Maybe, I’m just too young to keep good love from going wrong.

The last entry was a load of bullshit.

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 21:38:00 GMT

I can't even begin to express my feelings about today. I woke up this morning from a series of dreams. The first one... I had sex with Pat? Yeah. Um... whoa. I wonder at times what it'd be like, but... PAT?! Out of all people. Patrick. Probably because he's all over me constantly. Well, not constantly. But we argue like a married couple. There's nothing between us, obviously. But I wouldn't mind having sex with him, once. I've always offered my guy friends... if I ever get horny. Of course, the dream following that was me, with Kessler. I always have dreams of Kessler. But inbetween those and others, I was making out with lots of people. I can't remember who. I just remember Pat first, because I was slightly disgusted afterwards. I'm always disgusted after dreaming of me having sex with guys. And I remember Kessler, because I always remember Kessler.

Today was atrocious. Kessler got me a flower. Kaity got me a flower later because I was venting to her. I was so stressed out, and she said, "One minute. Come with me." The next thing I know is she's jetting down the hallway. Then, out of sight. A couple minutes later, she comes running back with a flower in her hand. She kissed me on the cheek and told me that she hoped it'd cheer me up. She's a wonderful friend, she really is. Sometimes, I wish we were closer.

Kessler asked me to help her write a love letter to Jamie during 8th period. Who does that?! She does. I got paper for her and folded it into a card. I gave her some Bright Eyes lyrics to write, I drew some stars and such. Our other friends in the class added stupid stuff inside and outside, too. Overall, it was a generally humourous card. I watched her give it to Jamie later. It was sickening. Kessler had offered to drive Dani, Jordan and myself home. I had no idea that she was driving Jamie home, as well, until we were standing in the lobby after-school. Jamie had to go to her locker, and she asked someone to come with her. Before I knew it, she was pulling my arm along to go with her. I hate that girl. That's it. I can't stand her. I can act like her very best friend, but God, if I could explain the rage... Grr. She opened her locker and said, "Mich, you'll appreciate this." There was a pin that said, "I eat pussy." You're fourteen, Jamie, and you haven't had sex yet, either. Hetero or homo. I know for a fact. Stop acting like you know who you are.

We dropped Dani off since she lives right by the school. The back seat, myself and Jordan. Jamie sat in the passenger seat, next to Kessler... like I always used to.

I CAN'T EXPRESS THIS. THERE IS NO WAY TO EXPLAIN WHAT I'M FEELING.

Kessler has compared me to Jamie several times, but no. No. No. No! I am not that selfish. I am not that insecure with myself. I am not fourteen. I am not immature. I am not superficial. Thank you, Kessler. Really, thank you. You left me for this... this... child. Who plays you like a fiddle. Who has changed you in so many ways that I haven't a clue of the person that you are now. You're no longer the Nicole Kessler that I fell in love with. I don't know who you are. When I was with you, I used to believe that I was intelligent, and beautiful, and lucky. I was the luckiest girl in the world to have someone like you beside me. And now, I don't know what to think. I don't feel that Jamie is comparable, at all. I feel as if you didn't appreciate me enough; the person that I was for you, the person that I was in general.

Jamie's not innovative, original or sincere. You were never honest, either.

So... why do I still love you? Why did I love you if you couldn't be loyal? Why do I still love you if you haven't been loyal to her and respectively if I couldn't keep you loyal for her either? I'm a mess. I wish I could write like Andrew. Maybe then I would know how to express what and how I'm feeling, other than sitting here, crying, not knowing what to do.

I miss Creative Writing last year, where I sat inbetween Michelle, Jordan and Amanda. Mrs. King was so inspirational, and if we needed a good chat, she'd be there... or if we didn't want to talk, I had Michelle, Jordan and Amanda beside me during the last period of the day. I wrote my heart out in that class, because I had those girls with me as well as Mrs. King. I've completely lost it. Honestly. I'm going to end this entry. All it's doing is getting me infuriated.

"Oh, dear Christ!"

Tue, 25 Jan 2005 13:37:49 GMT

I'm at this odd point in my life. I love her. I'm not in love with her. We're both no longer in love with each other, yet we both said if we started dating again, we'd fall in love again. I've moved forward in a way. I've accepted that I will love again, and that I can't deny myself God's greatest gift. But I can't help praying that it will happen again. Before I leave. Let me have her again, Jamie. She's only been in love with two people; me and Jamie. And while my time has passed, I want it again. Kessler told me that I was hard to catch, hard to hold onto, and hard to let go.

To You; Love, Me

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 23:22:30 GMT

I really honestly cannot tell if I’m helping this situation, or completely ruining it, by writing you this note. I don’t even know if I actually know what I want to say to you. But I know a few things. You are probably the most confusing person I’ve ever known, Kessler. I’m not trying to make you feel like crap. I hope you know that. But sometimes, concerning us, I don’t know what to think, at all. Maybe you like to push me out of your head completely at times… and then when you have me in your arms, everything comes rushing back, and you can’t stop it. Or maybe you really do need me, and you don’t want to accept that fact, at all, and just like the thought that you have someone else you can focus on instead of me… and I’m just the back-up, I suppose? Or maybe you don’t need me, at all, and you just like to play with my head occasionally, and satisfy what I want… and if that’s the case, then that’s not really what I want, at all. I don’t like being toyed with, Kessler. I just want you to love me. But I don’t like any thought of moving on, or getting over you. It hasn’t happened, it won’t happen, and I don’t know if you’ve accepted that or not. But I will make a few things apparent to you. We planned everything together; we had planned to go to the prom together. You haven’t planned the rest of your life with Jamie. But you did with me. That’s not a comparison. I’m making a statement. If not the rest of our lives, Kessler, I hoped to stay with you for a number of years well into college, and I could only hope for the best that our relationship would survive through the years at college. You said you thought that I was the one for you. But I still believe it. I don’t know if I’m being naïve or not. I’m not about to tell you to stop your relationship with Jamie. If that’s where you’re happy, then so be it; I won’t end that, Kessler. You deserve happiness. But so do I. And I don’t know how to read you anymore, whether you still want to be with me or not. You’ve put yourself into a situation that I can’t deal with on my own, and I need answers. Whatever they may be, I need to know, and if that deals with hurting me, then do it. You said it yourself that you’re the only one allowed to hurt me, so if you’re going to hurt me by telling me the truth, then do so. But I’m letting you know something. If you ever wanted to come back, I hope you realize that within a couple of months, we graduate… and I leave. Kessler, I’m leaving. And God knows that I’d much rather have you by my side until that moment and if it lasts, I’d like to know that I’ll have you for much longer than that. But seriously, if your relationship with Jamie is fleeting, and you know it won’t last passed graduation, then what are you doing? If I’m saying the wrong things in this note, you should tell me. But if I’m not, then, honestly, Kessler… I don’t know. You either need to tell me that you won’t ever love me in the same way again… or in your heart, maybe you know you do, and that you still can, and will, and I should be able to ask you to not waste your time, because if you do waste this time, then you’ll lose me completely, Kessler. If not now, then, later you’ll lose me, because I’ll leave and not want to come back to this. Or if you can do it now… you can still have me. I’ve never stopped you from coming back. Only you have, for fear of hurting me again because it killed you. But what do you think the past two months have done to me? I’ve watched someone who had started to become one of my closest friends take my place within your life… in the person’s life that I’ve loved for more than nine months. Honestly, though the real question is how much you love me, and if it’s enough to come back, then go right ahead, I’ve been waiting all this time, but if you know that you can’t come back, then with the love that you have left, grow enough strength to leave me alone, deny that you love me and just be friends. Because I know I’m never going to stop loving you. I just can’t. And by not having you for so long, I’ve learned to value so much of what we had, and appreciate it more than I ever did at the time. I apologize for all the things I did wrong, and if I could take all the horrible moments back, I would. But I just need to know the truth. Kaity Davie sent me a song last night, and this was the last verse: “No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive, so live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard, and live for the moment now.” So, Kessler, I’m telling you that I’d like to have the last moments with you before I leave, to be able to still promise a future between the two of us, so that I can leave and know that I can come back to you. Otherwise, it’s really over, and I won’t be coming back.

I can't believe it.

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 22:23:20 GMT

I cried for half an hour hysterically in the lighting booth today.
I saw them kiss one another for the first time.
I hate you, Jamie. I really do.
Thanks for absolutely destroying my life.
Actually, I hate myself. Thanks for ruining your own life, Michelle.

She's never coming back. I know it now. I know it, but I won't believe it.
I'm still hoping... I rambled to Jesse last night. About everything.
I told her the absolute truth; I can't believe I really told her everything.
I haven't told someone so much of what I feel in awhile.

On the bus yesterday, Kessler told me that she wanted to kiss me one last time.
I didn't let her. I was already in hysterics.
To cry into the arms of the person that you love who is the reason why you're crying?
I never imagined this would happen. Never, in my wildest dreams.
Why do these things happen to me? Not like anyone deserves anything bad.
But why, God... why me? I love her too much to let her go.

I love her too much.
She's in love with Jamie.
It's over, Michelle.
Get it into your fucking head.
You're never getting her back.

But I can't believe it.

Isn't it ironic?

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:53:46 GMT

I haven't written in a long time. Times have changed, certainly. So, let's see what I can do to update. There was this girl at All-State. We didn't do much; I just felt her up. Sorta. And that was it, since she was from Canada. The End. Kessler and I talked a lot on the phone during the All-State weekend... you could almost say we were dating by the way we were talking to one another. She's confused. A lot. And so it confuses me. The confusion makes me want to take a pitchfork and poke my eye out with it. It's chaos. My life is chaos right now. I liked Kerri, sorta. But they're trying to hook her up with Rey. I don't mind that much... only a bit. I'm in love with Kessler. I know that. Everyone knows that. I'm not going to play someone because I'm enamoured with someone else. That's not fair, now, is it? No, it's not. During the middle of last week, Kessler had called me. She told me that she'd rather be miserable and alone, that she wanted Jamie and I to be happy without her. We both said the same thing, surprisingly; that she was our happiness. She told me that I didn't deserve her, that I deserved much better. It's unfortunate for me that I'm in love with her, right? Yes, indeed. Well, after all of that pain and tears on the phone, two hours later she calls back. She tells me that instead of what she said before, she's made up her mind, she's made her decision... and it's Jamie. WTF?! W. T. F. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I hadn't wanted to say anything, you know. Maybe I should have. I was fair. I didn't want to interfere with her decision, at all. I wanted it to be based solely on what she felt was right. On the night of our anniversary date, I apologized for everything. Every time I made her feel like shit, every thing I've ever done wrong. I apologized for whatever I did wrong for her to break up with me and go out with Jamie. I told her that if I could take us back in time, I'd appreciate her so much more because I know I didn't appreciate her enough. I told her that I was sorry that the other part of her won... the part that chose Jamie. And she said, "You know, Michelle, that the other part of me wanted to be with you," to which I said, "Yes, but your other half won. You wanted to be with Jamie... that half won." She then says, "No, the other half of me was confused." So please tell me why you're still with Jamie. She said that the only reason she told me that she was in love with Jamie was to get over me. That didn't exactly work, now, did it? I'm cutting myself. Surprisingly, I'm not throwing up again. Really, there's nowhere to do it in this household with a baby here. But I asked Steve to get me a pack of cigarettes and a new lighter. Will I smoke again? I don't know. I'm beyond sanity. I want to shoot myself, but I know I'd go nowhere with that. "Suicide is a permanent solution to only a temporary problem." Yes, yes, yes, I know. Fuck you to the person whoever said that. We had the Treble Choir concert Thursday of last week. Before Jamie came up to the booth, Kessler was leaning against me, was hugging me, was putting her arm around me, etc. I didn't know what to do. Amanda and I went to talk for a bit and she told me that Kessler was literally this close (she put her fingers a centimeter apart) to getting back with me. I've stopped believing Amanda. I'm living in such a false hope... it hurts. Rey asked me how I could stand them in the booth together. It was the first time Kessler and I were in the booth together ever since we broke up. Rey said, "I'd want to kill her by now." Jamie, she meant. And suddenly, Jamie straddles Kessler on the floor, and I tell Rey, "Now. I want to kill her now." I'm assuming Amanda doesn't like Jamie that much. That's the vibe I'm getting. She feels as if Jamie has taken her best friend away, and Amanda told me that I never did that. It's good to know, I suppose. Kessler offered to drive me home, so I took the offer. Kristina came to the concert, as well as Amanda obviously. They both needed rides. I didn't mind. Then... Jamie needed a ride. Oh, Christ. I offered to be dropped off first, but nope, Kristina's and Amanda's homes were the easiest, she says. Sure. Kristina, first. And Jamie hops into the front seat. Then, Amanda. Amanda mouthed to me that I'd be fine, that I should stop panicking... because I certainly was. After Amanda left, I was the only one in the back seat. I had perfect view of the two of them holding hands like we used to. It was ironic. I'm not that superstitious but seriously... Kessler turned onto Union, and Jamie turned on the radio, and Hoobastank's The Reason started to play. I didn't know whether or not to laugh or cry. It was too ironic for my own good. And Kessler and I talked today. Not for very long, but we talked. I'm too tired to write more... I will tomorrow. For now, that's an update. Oh, woe, how I detest my life.

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 01:34:22 GMT

WHO THE FUCK LET YOU LISTEN TO BARE, BITCH?!

Meet me at midnight and I'll apologize til dawn.

Wed, 01 Dec 2004 16:00:20 GMT

I'm going to break up with Melissa... when I get back from All-State.
I'll be away for four days; I'm not hurting anyone yet.
I'm not in the mood for destroying anyone's spirits.
I always see her with Erin, anyway. That bothers me a lot.

Kessler and I were on the phone for hours last night. I'm really glad that our friendship is so close. I talk to her more than Jordan; she knows more than Jordan. I don't know what I'd do without her. I was crying to her about everything. I know that I'm getting kicked in the ass now for what I did to her. She got a kick out of that. I knew she would. She likes sending me these 'subliminal' messages, you know. About how she still loves me. It's cute. I don't say anything, of course. I can't. I'm getting used to this. I can live with this. I don't think I can live with dating Melissa; she's sorta driving me crazy. Like, I just feel as if we're still friends. We're going nowhere. Nowhere. ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE. The only thing that's different is the fact that I kissed her on Saturday night, and that was it. There's a label on us, and nothing more. And obviously people are telling me, "God, Michelle, she's so gorgeous." What the hell is that to me? I was never for looks first. Sure, she's prettier than Kessler, and sure, Jamie's prettier than myself. But I don't know. I don't care; that's what.

Kessler said that what we need is time apart. As friends, you know. To regain what we had lost. She's with Jamie, now, and I accept that. I'm even regaining my friendship with Jamie, as well. I hate losing friends, and Jamie is a person that I find important to influence. She doesn't need bad influences in her life, especially with her closest friends right now that are older than her. I'd rather be her friend, and influence her wisely, than not be friends and let her be influenced in a bad way. I don't mind being a mentor. In fact, I want to be her mentor. I don't want her to make bad decisions in her life when she's only fourteen years old, and God knows I don't want her to regret her past like I do.

I know that Kessler loves me. That completes me. More than I could ever express.

So, yeah. Want to hear something interesting? I find it amusing in a way, too. She thought I loved Melissa. How fucked up is that? Honestly. I could never do that. How could she think that? That irked me a bit. No... it bothered me, a lot. A lot. I've only been dating Melissa since the 27th. I know, yes, I've liked her for a long time. But in tenth grade, that was from afar. I only started to get to know her in August. How can a person learn to love someone else that quickly? I can't. I certainly can't. And I've only loved two people in my entire life (besides family). I mean, you know, that romance stuff. Mena. And Kessler. And I wholeheartedly love Kessler more than I ever loved Mena. Mena meant a lot to me, and he still does. But there's no comparison to Kessler.

I've been writing a lot lately. Writing, as in emo words. I told Eric I'd write him an emo song. I have yet to compose something together. None of it rhymes anyhow. I'm not much of rhymer. Kessler showed me her notebook again today. But she added stuff into it. It's this marble notebook that she writes quotes/lyrics, and she writes other people write their favourite things as well. I've doodled in there. I've written random lyrics. Today I'm writing my own words.

You know... I still feel lucky. I should always feel lucky. I keep telling myself that. And for some odd reason, I'm happy. Happy, even if we aren't together, yet knowing that there's love there, that there will always be love, and that she's hoping that we'll get back together soon. Like Jessica and Patrick. I'm not as angry as everyone else. Honestly, I cannot see either one of them with someone else. I find that they fit perfectly. I think both of them have learned their lessons and have learned to not be so selfish with their lives. You know why I agree with their decision? Because they remind me of myself and Kessler. I know everyone has complained about them, and everyone complained about my relationship with Kessler... but honestly, I think that's true love. I don't believe that it's dumb. I believe that it holds true meaning. More true meaning than most relationships in high school. I'm lucky enough to have that, even if we aren't dating. I consider myself a lucky gal, ha.

Yeah... I'm definitely breaking up this relationship. It's not fair to make comparisons, you know. That's sort of mean. I am sort of mean. And it's not fair to continue this relationship if I'm not feeling anything towards her anymore. I'm really happy for Kessler that she can find happiness in someone else; she's a beautiful person, inside and out. I'm beyond ecstatic that I'm her best friend, that she and I are still in one another's lives, that we still love one another. And I'll continue living in the hope that maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or the next month, we'll be together again. Does that seem pathetic? I think not. Because every time we look at each other, you know. Amanda wants us back together. I think that's amazing. Beyond amazing that it makes me laugh. I smile cheesy when I think about it, and it makes me beyond happy. I can't stop smiling today. She makes me so happy, even if we're not together. Isn't that amazing? My life is amazing. She's amazing. Wow. I can't believe I'd be so happy. But I am.

"Meet me at midnight and I'll apologize til dawn.
When the sun rises, maybe we can run away, escape, and we'll be all right."

Have I mentioned today how lucky I am to be in love with you?

Show me a sign in your eyes that there is meaning.

Tue, 30 Nov 2004 22:39:24 GMT

I feel like I'm speaking to a wall. I feel like there's nothing there, in fact. You're... beyond emo. You're so incredibly emo that it frustrates me. You can't even crack a smile when I come near. I just feel like you're always unhappy about something.

You know, I know that she's not Miss America, but geez, Kessler would always, and I mean, always, be happy when she'd see me. And even if I hated my relationship with Brian, he was holding my hand already, and was pretty giddy himself. Melissa is beyond emo. Really emo. Beyond-reachable-emo. It's driving me insane. I can't stand that she hardly smiles, even with me.

If she honestly wanted the relationship to go somewhere, shouldn't she act like it? Am I pushing it? And maybe I am. I don't know, because she's not telling me anything. She tells me everything else. She complains about everything. I wonder if she complains about me to her friends. That'd be interesting to know. I want this to work out so badly. And I'm putting in the effort. I'm putting in a lot of effort. I mean, hello, I'm the one who asked her out.

Bahhh... like, I brought her a book to read today in ISS and cookies. You think she'd seem to actually appreciate it, you know.

Oh, yeah, she got ISS. Because she cut detention. She got detention, in the first place, because she cut math class where her teacher still calls her Jenn. Psh. Yeah, a teacher that can't even get the Homecoming Queen's name. Oh, smart. But seriously...

I'm going to give it around two more weeks. Britt told me, "Yeah, if not, ditch the emogirl."

I asked her to come down towards the stage today. She stayed after, and she sat in the back of the auditorium, doing her math homework. She told me, "No, I have no one to talk to." Yet she's been friends with Ryan and Kate for years, and obviously you're going to have no one to talk to in the back, too. What a contradiction. I'm not even sure that I get a vibe that she really wants this. I realized I passed her after school today, right after eighth period... after I passed her, I realized I did. Weird. But I turned around and she was walking with Erin, and she didn't even say anything to me. No hi, hello or anything.

I want to cry, it really frustrates me.

Supposedly she's liked me since August; it'd be nice if she acted that way, seriously. Honestly, I don't know how to read her at all.

I don't even want to call her tonight. We'll see if she calls.

The only time we looked one another in the eye is when we said goodbye.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 15:57:08 GMT

I feel like an ass right now. I want to go somewhere... meaning the relationship with Melissa. Yeah, we're dating now. I'm dating the Homecoming Queen. I just want us to be somewhere... I hate a relationship being so incredibly stagnant, it kills me. I mean, I'm not uberly depressed or anything with it. I mean, I'm somewhat happy. With Brian, after our first date, I cried. I wanted a boyfriend... honestly, I had felt like I needed one. But now, I don't know. Kessler and I never had a first date, we just started dating. There was never a first date with us, and the anxiety that comes during the beginning of the relationship? Kessler and I never had that because her grandfather had just died. It was just depressing at first, but loving. Really loving, and caring, and even as we fought, we were still closer than most couples that start dating. We had been friends for months, and not just "friends". I mean, close friends. I had developed a trust in her. A connection. Sure, I trust Melissa... but there's something missing right now that I can't put my finger on. Well, yes, I will give it time. That's what everyone says. We've only been dating for, what? Not even three days. This is why I used to run away from all the other relationships I'd have before. Because I hate the beginning time period of dating. I hate being antsy. I hate have anxiety. I hate being anxious. I hate the butterflies. I hate being uncomfortable. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I stopped talking to Kessler on Thursday. She text me Saturday night to congratulate me after she heard I had asked out Melissa. I didn't text back. She called me last night, after she was hanging out with Dani, Hoffman, and people. She told me she'd take Dani home, and then stop over. Wasn't that just forcing us to talk? I wanted to shoot myself. I told her that she could come in the house but she said she didn't feel comfortable, that it felt too weird to come back into my house again. I knew what she meant. The last time she was in my house we had sex on my living room couch. Of course she wouldn't be comfortable stepping into my living room. Of course not. We sat in her car... in the dark. During our conversation, I cried, but it was too dark for her to notice. I didn't expect her to notice. Maybe she was ignoring it... just because. She's being unreasonable, honestly. She asked me if we could speak now since I have Melissa. "You said that you didn't have someone, that you were lonely, so you didn't want to talk to me, you didn't want to hear about me and Jamie." Just because I said that doesn't mean we'll be fine, Kessler. "No, I didn't mean all of that. I stopped talking to you because I need to get over you, I need to get past that there is no us. I needed to cut you off completely to walk away, to shut the door, to leave this whole issue." And she said that if I'm never going to get over it, then I'll never speak to her. I said no... I'll take time to get over partially. I don't remember the order of how half of this went. Blah... but I said, "You know what? Fine, we can be friends." And then she says, "No, I'm not forcing you to speak to me." Well, let's see, you came to my house to talk to me. Wasn't that already forcing me? What couldn't she understand? I don't know, but I'm going to act like everything's fine. I need to. I just don't want us ever to be alone again... I mean, by ourselves. The two of us. Because there is no us, so there should never be a time that we're just with one another. I can't handle it. I just... can't. Last night was the first time that I sat in the front passenger seat without holding her hand, without being hers. It was the first time I had to get out of her car without kissing her, without "I love you" being exchanged between us aloud. There wasn't eye contact for most of our conversation. The only time we looked one another in the eye is when we said goodbye. I told Marie that sentence could be a line in an emo song, and that we could write a whole emo compilation between us. I love Marie, even if she goes to Lindenhurst. If it weren't for the internet, I wouldn't have half of the friends I have that I've kept in touch with... i.e. Marie. She's my best friend, out of town, really. I like having friends outside of school; they're not in our school to witness the drama that goes on. Whatever I tell them is what they believe, and not like I lie to people... but they honestly believe what I say, because they're my friends. One night I totally rambled to Mac online, and I told her to say whatever came to her mind, just so that I could laugh, because Mac's one of the funniest girls I know. She was talking about Disney characters and all that when I'd babble about all of the chaos going on between myself and Kessler. It was great. Yeah, so I'm impatient. I hate waiting for something to happen, for something to develop between Melissa and I. I hate patience. Patience is a virtue? Yeah, um... virtue, my ass. Honestly, I'm really thankful for what Kessler and I had. Sometimes, it may not seem that way, but I am. I think we fought so much, half the time, because we were so close. She really knew me, and I think I really knew her. Maybe we'd feel like we didn't occasionally, but we honestly did. She's in love with Jamie. I know she is, I was told this, she told me herself... I answered that question for her, in fact. But how? They've only been dating for three weeks. They've only known one another for two months. There's so much she doesn't know. It frustrates me. I mean, I know it took a month for Kessler and I to tell one another that. But still... three weeks? You're seventeen, and about to tell a fourteen-year-old that you're in love with her? Kessler and I loved each other for the 7 and a half months that we were together. To just push that aside, throw it away, and tell another girl that you love her after three weeks. Of course I'm jealous. I have every right to be. She was able to find someone else to love her and someone else to love within three weeks... after a relationship that lasted almost 8 months, when Kessler liked me since July/August of last year. She told me that she thought that she'd never fall in love with someone else after me... that was a week or two ago that she told me this. But here we are, she's in love with Jamie. Thanks for the lie. I'll never believe someone again if they say that to me. It's stupid, really. Why am I doing this to myself? I'm dating someone, now. Not even 48 hours yet. I feel somewhat like an ass. Sometimes I feel bored with Melissa. I do. It's unfair. But I don't know. I had this automatic connection with Kessler from the start; we could talk, and I don't mean just converse between us... I mean, honestly, really talk. I hate feeling nervous with Melissa. I hate not knowing what to say. I hate laughing stupidly. I hate smiling so much that it makes my face ache, because I'm not really smiling. It's fake. I've liked Melissa since tenth grade, I should be happy... and yes, part of me is. But I can't help wishing that it was Kessler. I feel bad for doing this to Melissa. I'm going to give it a month... and we'll see what happens. If she tells me that she loves me, I'll die. I think I'd end it. I can't imagine loving her. I'm sorry to say that. But I can't... I just can't. I can't imagine loving anyone else. God, I feel like such an ass. I'm dating the Homecoming Queen, and you think I'd be acting beyond giddy by now, you know? I am giddy. I guess. Wow. I feel like such a jerk.

I've found a new hope.

Sun, 28 Nov 2004 00:31:39 GMT

I honestly am very hopeful about tonight.
I want Melissa and I to go to Applebee's.
I want it to work out.
I want to be able to lean over and kiss her in the car.
I want all thoughts of Kessler to vanish.
...I want Melissa to be the change that I've been waiting for this long.
Please. I hope it's you.

Oh, pieces of the heart.

Sat, 27 Nov 2004 18:45:53 GMT

How did you steal her heart so fast? Tell me, please. I want to know. How could she fall so fast, so hard? Jamie, how could you take her from me? How did it happen? I want to know why she won't come back to me, please. I was going to wait. I'd wait forever if I could... if it meant that Kessler was coming back to me, but she's not. She won't, ever. And I'm closing the door. So, please, God, let me walk away.

Colette fell asleep in my arms last night. I told her a bedtime story. A love story... how it ended. I told her my story... I told her to hold onto her heart and never let it go. She has all these years to live her life, so don't let love get in the way. It'll sting, and it'll hurt... it'll kill, it'll destroy you. You don't deserve the pain, Cole; I told her that. I'm sure she won't remember, she can't even speak. I wonder if I'll remember telling her the story. But... I hope she takes the advice. Because I was crying to her, as she fell asleep in my arms. It hurt so much to tell my baby sister to not give her heart to anyone, because I feel as if I was stupid to do that, and be hurt so badly.

Eric... you were right. She took my heart, and she broke it. And I'm never getting it back.

How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave?

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 00:21:05 GMT

I said to Jordan, "I don't know; I'm scared to say it and be dramatic but I want to say that if we can't try another time, then she'll lose me completely, because I can't take any more of this. It's too unhealthy for me and it's tearing me apart, and I practically want to throw myself onto a floor and die because it's chaotic and dramatic and overbearing." Jordan told me that it's totally understandable. Then, I said, "I don't know if I can say it, though, because then it comes back at me, and I think I'm putting too much stress on her." She told me that if I could find it in me that I could, then I should.

Maybe, then, with that warning infront of her, she can decide what she really wants.

We spent around six hours on the phone last night... she hung up around 5, or something. That's how late I went to bed. I cried, and cried, and cried. I'm sick and tired of this. Of my life. Of everything. Of this situation that really is nonexistent. There is no "us" anymore. It isn't there... and we need to accept this.

The seniors visited today. The kids from East visited today, as well. It was basically a reunion, and as much as I love people, such as Alecia, Rey, Kerrie, Justin, etcetera, I would give everything up to have last year back. To repeat it, even... and to start the year with the old North, what this school used to be, as in juniors and seniors. No East, either.

I nearly cried. I wanted it back. I felt as if we were doing Pimpernel again... but without her. She's with Jamie now.

Courtney wanted to hook up; she wanted me to go up into the lighting booth with her. I was unsure. I wish Kessler/Jamie wasn't there... maybe, I would have. I mean, I was nearly all over Cohen on Sunday night. Horny as a devil's horns get. I don't know; I really don't.

Kessler is calling me in thirty minutes. I'm going to tell her. Yeah, I am. I have to. Michelle, you need to get over this. YOU NEED TO. If you don't, what is your life going to be? Spent like this? I can't. I'll want to kill myself every single fucking day. I'll wake up in the morning, asking God to take me, because this is ridiculous. If she really loved me, wouldn't she leave me alone? If she really loved me, wouldn't she be single, even if she liked Jamie?

I like Melissa. Yes, I don't deny it. But I'm not dating her. Why? I'm still in love with Kessler, and I won't deny that, at all. I'm not ashamed of it. In fact, I'm sick and tired of knowing it. Because it's what's holding me back, and until I can let go of it, I don't know what to do.

What am I supposed to do? I don't know. I was hysterical on the phone last night. I can't understand her; I really can't. How can you tell me that you love me and date someone else? How can you walk away from this? I'm supposing that you found something better, something new... I'm nothing, now. You tell me that you care, that you love me; but why do you keep hurting me? Do you know how much I hurt right now? I hurt, beyond measure. I know you rushed into this, you even told me that you agreed that you weren't ready for this relationship, yet you're not going to break up with her because of this. No, you won't break up this relationship because you love me. Nope, that's not happening.

You tear me apart, you break me down. And yet... I still love you through all of this. I can't do this anymore. Kessler, I can't. And honestly, if we're out of each other's lives, maybe we can be happier. I don't know. I can say that I can't spend forever loving you, but the truth is that I could. But I can't do that to myself. I'm overwhelmed. I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. And your confusion in this situation is literally killing me.

Don't tell me that you're confused. Don't tell me that you miss me. Don't tell me that you love me while you're with someone else, while you've kissed her, while she's told you that she loves you. You can't do that to me. If you truly loved me, you wouldn't hurt me this much.

I love you. And you tell me that you love me. Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't we have learned our lesson so many times to know that we need to work together? Shouldn't we have learned that it's useless to keep hurting one another? Why are you spiting me? Why is this happening? This should have never happened. If South still existed, if Jamie had gone there, would this still have happened? The thought of being a senior at North would lead us away from the idea of ever dating a freshman at South. Or even, for myself, a sophomore, like Alecia. I don't want it this way. I don't. I want it to be different. I want it to be last year, again. I want my life back. I want to be happy, and right now, I'm not, and even when we were fighting, I still loved you, and I was happy. Scared for our relationship, yes... but at least I was happy. We were dating, we were together, we were with one another, and that's what I needed, no matter what. You have Jamie, now. And I hope she takes care of you, because I'll let you go if you decide that you want her more than you want me, that you need her more than you need me. That's what I'll have to hear, that's what I'll have to accept and that's when I'll push myself to move on. Because right now, I'm still living in the hope that we'll still be together sometime, and if that will never happen, Kessler, then I need to stop living this way because I can no longer do this.

There was my life before you. Not the same without you, but I was surviving. And I can survive without you... and it won't be the same, either. But I know I can survive. I just need to keep telling myself that. I need to survive without you.

Today, I was a wreck.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 02:59:33 GMT

During 8th period, it was obvious that Kessler was crying; she had her hood up, and her hands up to her face. Alicia was trying really hard to make her smile, she even offered to get her M&M's. That didn't work. People were trying to make her laugh. It wasn't working. I wrote a note that said "What's wrong?" with a sad face. She just shook her head, and told me she'd talk to me later. And then she says, "No, you know what? We can talk now." She moves her chair over and says, "You want to know what's wrong? ...I miss us." I don't even remember how I reacted or half the things I said. Utter shock, maybe? I can't remember. But she looked at me and said, "Michelle, I'm still in love with you." I wanted to die. Do you understand? I wanted to die, at that moment. She said it to me during class. DURING CLASS. I wanted to be anywhere but there.

We talked more after school and stuff, like we sat backstage. She didn't know what to do. She told me. She likes Jamie a lot, but she's still in love with me.

But I told her everything; I had written her this note in the morning prior to all of this crap after-school. It was about how she should accept and expect weird/angry moods or moments from me because I'm allowed, I should not be denied feeling this way, because I still love her. I asked her if it was the note, and she said, "No, I've been thinking about it for awhile."

Supposedly, Jamie told her she loved her today. They've been dating for two weeks. What fourteen-year-old freshman in high school knows the meaning and concept of love? True love. Supposedly, Kessler's the first person Jamie has ever said this to. JAMIE IS FOURTEEN. For Christ's sake. Honestly... but I asked her, "do you love her?" and she didn't know. I said, "You told me that you couldn't love another person after me. You said you could never say 'I love you' to someone else." She kept saying I don't know. I then asked, "How could you enter this relationship with still loving me? I honestly think you moved too fast." She then looked at me and agreed.

I said, "I'm sorry, Kessler, but God, I'm trying so hard to move on. But every time I look at you, I want to kiss you... I sleep in your sweatshirt. I listen to your voicemails before I go to bed, I have them memorized. I got an hour of sleep last night since I stayed up reading all of your notes again and again." She tells me that she does the same thing. I'm thinking 'What the fuck? Why are you dating Jamie?' I said, "Kessler, honestly, were you ready for this relationship with Jamie?" And she didn't know. She didn't think so.

Jamie walked past, or something, with someone by her; it was in the auditorium, we were in the back of the stage but I pulled away from her. She looks at me, a bit angry, and says, "What? Jamie walks past and you pull away? We're still friends, Michelle." I looked at her and snapped, "No, Kessler, there's a difference between friends and exes trying to be friends." She put her head in her hands, and I continued, "You can't be there the way I want you to be. Sure, you can be there, as a friend, but what if there's that moment I need to just kiss you to know everything's all right? I can't do that, Kessler... because you're with Jamie." I was hysterical by this point, and she actually took me in her arms and I just cried into her chest; it was horrific.

We talked later on the phone; she apologized for everything, for "opening a can of worms" and all that, and we both apologized to each other for everything between us that has happened. Then I said, "I sort of needed that, though, today." She was questioning what I was saying, and then I said, "You haven't touched me in more than two weeks. Not even a hand on my shoulder until today. I needed to cry in your arms." She was so apologetic. "Oh... God, Michelle, I'm so sorry." I said, "Kessler, at least you now know why I've been acting weird... and how hurt I am."

On the phone she said she'd have to make a choice or something.

I know I have said that I wouldn't do it again; I promised myself if something happened where she'd bring me to tears, I'd walk away. I even said to her today after-school, "I'm sorry I can't shut you up and push you away." She asked me, "Would you? Would someone?" I just looked at her and told her I couldn't.

It's just that I try to be this survivor, to get through this, but when she looks at me, and when I'm there, crying in her arms, it's... too hard. It's too difficult to say no and push that away. How can I attempt to not be with her when she's the one person that I always want to be with? How can I live with the fact that the one person I need the most is the person that's hurting me the most? God, really, I know it, but I don't care. My love for her is so unbelievably unconditional. I try to make myself believe that it isn't, being with friends, talking about it, I'll say I'm getting over it but when placed infront of her, God...

The truth was today. It was right there. I can't deny it. I crumpled in her arms. I can't stop loving her, as much as I try.

Melissa said this to me, "Well, all I can say, really, is to be careful, Michelle, 'cause if you guys do decide to do something about it, be sure it's for the same reason, you know. be sure that you both really feel exactly what you say you feel, and that you're ready for the relationship again, 'cause seeing you guys that upset, it kinda sucks; like standing there with her in the mornings, she's not the same, and she tries to hide that, and so do you, that you're okay, but it's so easy to see through it 'cause when you guys were together, she TALKED, she doesn't talk anymore. And you, well... you just don't smile, and that's upseting." And then she told me that if we're not going to get back together and I'm still upset over it that she'll be here for me.

I told her that if this whole Erin thing wasn't going on, and if this whole Kessler thing wasn't going, we'd totally be dating. Sara, in her Communications class, asked why we weren't together. Psh.

Because Melissa loves Erin, and I love Kessler; that's why, and we can't move on, we can't pick ourselves off our stupid lazy asses and get over these people.

I don't think I want to, right now. Move on, I mean.

Kessler was my life for months. She's become so much a part of me that I can't go through a day without a thought about her. I told her that today. You know, Jamie really is a good soul. She'll grow and mature into a great person, but I just... I can't stare at her without wanting to kill myself. I compare. I yell at myself for not being Jamie.

I scream at myself for not being able to make this work.
It's all your fault, Michelle. It's your fault.

The only thing I can think of saying is fuck you.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 02:04:53 GMT

So, fuck you and your untouchable face.
And fuck you for existing in the first place.
And who am I that I should be vying for your touch?
And who am I? Bet you can't even tell me that much.